Some people seem to always get what they want.
It may seem so, but: They aren’t magically endowed, spiritually “higher vibrationed”, or any sort of other thing that you are not. They tend to not know secret knowledge. They may come from more privilege or have different skills from you, but they are not “better” than anyone else.
I used to like to compare myself to people who I perceived to have more “specialness” than me in making their dreams come true. I would consult with gurus. I would seek spiritual solace in very complex ways. I tried to punish myself for not measuring up to where I thought I should be. Nothing worked.
I was lucky to find a job I loved, and people I admired for the right reasons, and broke the spell I put myself under in the guise of self-betterment.
I learned during that very dark and weird time how much a well-meaning popular culture had filled my head with notions and phrases that
sort of defeated me before I even took a step toward what I wanted.
IDEA #1: “Maybe you don’t love yourself enough?” Countless times I heard that if only I loved myself more I would “manifest” more. I have never had a low opinion of myself, so it never made sense.
Do you think that you don’t love yourself enough yet to live a good life? Yes, you do.
Turns out, it actually doesn’t require “self-love” to change habits, so even if you have a less-than-healthy view of yourself at the moment (and I hope this isn’t the case!) you can still move in a positive direction right now. The trick? You have to WANT the result bad enough. That’s it. You just have to want it. It is very very basic. This article from Psychology Today, “Do You Need Self-Esteem To Break A Habit? ” by Meg Selig makes the point clear:
“…a basic key to successful habit change, and I bet you know this, is self-control—just good, old-fashioned willpower. And where does this willpower come from? Your personal motivators. Once you identify a motivator that’s important to you, whether that motivator is “health,” “being a role model for my child,” or “creating a video,” you can more easily:
- Make the decision to change.
- Set realistic goals.
- Activate your willpower by using the thought of your motivator to guide your behavior.
- Make a specific plan for change or join a program to help you change.
- Bounce back from setbacks.
If your motivator is something you are passionate about, you don’t need self-esteem. Your burning interest in your motivator will be enough to light the fires of change.”
IDEA #2: “You need to get rid of all of your fear before you can succeed.” But… I have seen extremely successful people in an utter panic over really silly things. I have seen people in successful relationships even fear for their future together. How the hell do you get rid of fear?
I am the first person to say that I would love to live a 100% fear-free life, but fear helps us to survive. If we were not afraid of the man holding the gun or the wild animal attacking us, how would we protect ourselves?
Success actually feels just like fear does to many people- the initial physical reactions can be similar. Yep: fear of success is as real of a thing as fear of failure. HERE’s more on understanding and untangling a fear of success if you are interested.
I am not suggesting that fear is a good thing, but I am saying that people who show up and do what they have to do, despite the fear, get things done. You can work through your fears over time, but if you try to resolve every negative emotion your life before you can really live out your dreams you may not be happy with the results.
IDEA #3: “If it isn’t falling into place, it isn’t meant to be.” Every time I complained (and I was huge on complaining) that things were getting complicated in a relationship, at a job, with my friendships, I would hear a version of this from select gurus in my circle. It seems to make sense… if it’s too complicated, how could it be “meant to be?” Plus, Hollywood “overnight success stories” definitely don’t make it easy to believe that complications are a good thing.
Turns out that lots of people didn’t have their careers “fall into place.”
Now, please don’t get me wrong: I wish every one of you (and me!) to have buckets full of self love, a life filled with nothing but joy and to have everything you dream about to fall into your lap. My only wish is that you don’t make the mistake that I did and waste many years in confusion, thinking I had to have everything figured out BEFORE I could live a meaningful life and create things I was proud to create. To add more pressure to it all, I felt I had to find the perfect time to do things. And nothing got done.
Now is really the only perfect time there is. Have at it! xoxo Dana
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Perfect post, as usual, Dana! Thanks for the mid-week pick-me-up.
I love this. Especially if it doesn’t fall into place part. I am still trying to get over that one. My biggest one is that there is something I am suppose to be doing that I am not doing. Like I am suppose to be running my own business because I think that sound like fun and because I am not doing it then everything else seems to be the wrong thing