Ah, the need for approval from emotionally unavailable people is such a tortuous game!
When you get a little bit of attention from someone you desperately want approval from, it’s like a tidal wave of joy that makes life infinitely possible. And when you are ignored, skipped over, treated poorly or just plain shelved for a while by that same person, you are inept, immobilized, fixated, seeking psychic counsel and consuming all your language, every conversation… it’s all about them. And on and on the waves go, crashing and then bubbling up with hope just slightly before the next crash.
I often wonder how I let other people hijack my mind in the past… how I handed over so much of my self-worth to these people…people I don’t even know any more!? I suppose all that matters is that I don’t do it now, and I’m pretty confident I won’t do it again…
And I’m sure you feel the same way!
I realized I was very much surrounded by passive aggressive people who were emotionally unavailable. Both in relationships and in my work life, passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable people prevailed. To squeeze a drop of attention from these people required great effort.
These types of relationships – in my experience- are empty voids. All a big waste of time.
If I asked you if you’d sacrifice two years of your life for anyone, you would likely say no instantly. But yet, you do, in a sense, sacrifice your power to this dynamic.
I don’t think that people who act in this way- withholding emotions, blowing hot and cold, playing strange games- are bad or evil- it seems to me that they are just stuck. Stuck in fears, insecurities, greed, creative blocks, emotional upheavals of their own. But… you don’t need to be stuck too!
Here’s a little video all about spotting the passive aggressive stuff looming around you. Awareness is the best step to breaking the cycle! It’s all stuff that has helped me, and I hope you find it of use!
Also, If you are efforting and trying to force and “work” your way to love or approval in your romantic relationships, you may want to read THIS, and think about what your life would be like if you put that energy into feeling great about yourself rather than pouring it into an empty void.
Anyone who is so great that they deserve to have that much sway in another person’s life would never treat anyone in such a fickle manner. Remember that next time you are giving away your power and turning your life upside down trying to get attention from someone.
Truly awesome people would never want you to do that for them! And truly awesome people like you are too smart to fall for it for that game once you get wise to it.
It is: your life, your mind, your psyche, your reality. Create love. Real love. xoxo Dana
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Hey Dana!
I came across your blog from tumblr. I thought what you had to say about those who have passive aggressive people in their lives very enlightening. Do you have any advice for someone who may be passive aggressive? I just got into a relationship with my boyfriend, and there are times where I feel like i push him away or say mean things. And until now I didn’t realize that I may be emotionally unavailable. I don’t want to lose someone like him because he’s great. I’d love to hear what you have to say! Hope to hear from you soon!
– Sophie
I have been in your shoes. If you can recognize it, you are on the way to fixing it for yourself. The best thing I did was to choose to talk about it… and to distance myself from people who made me feel bad, personally. The happier my life was and the more aware I was of my own behavior, the better it became. Therapists can be a good source to talk this stuff through, in my experience. My own “unavailability” began as a defense mechanism and once I sorted that out I was much more open to life happening right now 🙂 xoxoo
Good subject Dana! Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small
people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. You are great Dana!! xoxo!!
This rings true for me and unfortunately it is very close to home and heart. My ex is extremely passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable. I was able to extricate myself from the misery he caused me by making him my ex. I have three daughters and my youngest unfortunately has all the characteristics that you discussed in your video. I rarely get off the phone feeling good. How do I deal with a passive aggressive 26 yr old daughter that I love very very much? I think she is particularly aggressive with me. Thanks Dana. I love your work and you.
Dana,
Well done Brava! I am a fan of your posts on emotional unavailability. It is so true that the end result of these relationship dynamics is “efforting and trying to force/ “work” [our] way to love or approval in [our] romantic relationships. Very well noted point. Emotionally unavailable relationships always leave us breaking our back for love and sniffling into a box of Kleenex when it doesn’t work.
I have noticed that each time I “chased” what was unavailable to me, I was not accepting that this person/love was in actuality, NOT for me. When we seek approval outside of ourselves from reluctant sources, “chasing” love can be a very seductive and titillating pass time. Pushing, clinging to, and gauging eyes out for attention, care, love etc. from another, throws us into dangerous territory- The Zone of Over Desire. I talk about this on my latest blog post: http://www.loveantics.com/the-zone-of-over-desire-the-trap-of-wanting-the-unavailable/
I am glad I came across another article from you about navigating through the murky waters of emotional unavailability. For 2014 I have decided to refrain from The Zone of Over Desire and hold onto my power-not just give it away like a helpless love sick puppy. Keep the posts coming Dana! Thanks
I stumbled across your website by chance and was pleasantly surprised, just subscribed and look forward to reading more positive vibes,
stay blessed, Namaste
THANK YOU!!! I hope I can share things that make you happy!!! xoxo
So glad to have stumbled upon this website. My mom emailed it to me and it cheered me up. I am 17 and I have a past history with sleeping with guys who I thought would have my back, and putting all of my trust in them. In reality, self-worth comes from within. People can say all they want but those moments of people breaking your wellness is not worth their stupid love.
Welcome! & no it’s not! You should never hurt for love in that way!!! So glad you have that realization now- it takes some people a very very long time to get to that place! xoxo Dana