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Growing up in New Jersey, I had a family psychic in Manhattan that was more than a psychic- Carmen Harra is a wildly awesome psychologist and bad-ass intuitive.  To know me is to know that I am not a fan of psychics, but Carmen is much more– she is a counselor on a high level.

Throughout the years, her predictions for me and my friends and family have been nothing short of astonishing. What she taught me most about was the idea that it was my karma to overcome patterns I saw around me as a child to have great relationships and live my true purpose.  Or course she told me much more (!) but today’s share is less about the psychic and more about the practical!

While I think my days of gathering predictions for myself are over (I still have many she gave me left to fulfill!) , I hope to catch up with Carmen soon.  Today I wanted to share some of brilliant steps to amazing relationships, from the perspective of both an intuitive and a PhD, a great combination of feeling and wisdom to support all your love feng shui (and you can find tons of that HERE!)…!

(saipua flowers)

While you can read the article in its entirety HERE and I hope that you do, here is a bit from Carmen Harra to get you thinking about CREATING love…!

Carmen Harra’s Twelve Fail-Proof Steps to Perfect Relationships 

• 1.) Isolate yourself for one week: In order to discover the truth of your relationship, you have to be without that person for a little while. That way, you can see if you miss them or you don’t. Try to spend a week not speaking to or seeing one person you’re very close to, be it your friend or significant other. How do you feel? Do you miss your partner dearly or are you actually glad you’re away from them? During your week apart, reevaluate the meaning of this relationship in your life, it’s positive or negative impact on you, and what you’re both learning from this experience.

• 2.) Write down everything you love about the people around you: Keep a daily journal in which you jot down the names of the people in your life whom you’re thankful to have: your kids, your friends, your partner, even an acquaintance whose company you appreciate. Remind yourself of how blessed you are to have so many wonderful people surrounding you.

• 3.) Learn to appreciate: If you want perfect relationships, you have to be the perfect spouse or friend. You have to value your relationships and understand the essential roles they play in your life. Resolve to be more appreciative of the people in your life, even if you don’t always get along with all of them. Acknowledge that their presence is essential for your own good and that each person is here to teach you something very important. Each day, say a quick prayer of thanks for the ten greatest people in your life. Include family members, friends, and your partner if you’re in a relationship.

• 4.) Show them you love them: Simple gestures go such a long way. What can feel better than receiving a tiny note during the day that says “I love you!” or hearing “You’re amazing in every way” when we’re doubting ourselves. We often forget to give back to those who give to us, and it really doesn’t take much to do so. Each day, pick a random person whom you’re thankful to have in your life and do something special for them. Either send them a quick text of encouragement, a hand-written card, or a tiny token of your appreciation for being in your life. As a psychologist, I see couples who are frustrated and fed up with each other, but they swear they want to be together. When I ask them, “When is the last time you told your partner you love them?” they look at each other baffled, as if they didn’t know they were supposed to do that! Promise to show a little more love and affection to those around you each day.

• 5.) Forgive their faults: So what if your best friend is terribly stubborn and your husband chews with his mouth full? Aren’t they human? If you want to establish perfect relationships, you’ll have to give your loved ones a bit of leeway. You can poke fun at their imperfections, but don’t place too much stress on them. Be a little more lighthearted, and learn to see their imperfections, the little things that drive you crazy, as being beautifully unique to them. We spend so much time critiquing each other and pointing out what’s imperfect that we overlook the thousands of innate qualities which are absolutely divine.

• 6.) Accept that you can’t change someone: You can never change someone unless they want to change themselves. Sure, you can offer advice and encourage them to change certain aspects of their lives, but it won’t happen unless it comes from them. If you condition your love for someone and base it on them changing something about themselves, you don’t deserve to have them in your life. Their change may be necessary, but consider that it might never happen unless they change their thinking first. So accept that you can’t change the people around you; they are who they are and maybe someday they’ll be different, but for right now you’ll have to learn to love them exactly this way.

• 7.) Don’t try to shut them up, shut them out: Arguing us futile; you raise your voice, they raise their voice. You bring up Point A, they bring up Point B. Why go on this way? When you and a loved one don’t see eye to eye, simply tell them your point, and tell them to get back to you when they’re ready. You’d be surprised how much good a little breathing space can bring. This is especially true in couples – when you argue, you can smother someone to the point that they explode. Instead, take a step back, maybe even a few days, and allow them to contemplate on the point of your argument until they understand.

• 8.) Be a bit more tolerant: My parents experienced different types of relationships than we do today. First of all, when it came to each other, divorce wasn’t an option. You stuck by the person’s side through the good and bad, just as they stuck by you. You bickered and you disagreed, you couldn’t stand each other on some nights, but you never left your partner. The next day, you hugged it out and life went on, and you were still together as you promised you would be. This is the golden rule to relationships: endurance. This is especially true of love relationships, which require more effort than friendships. I’m a firm believer that every problem can be resolved with a small amount of compromise from both ends, and that we overcomplicate our relationships when we pay attention to every unpleasant detail or annoying little thing our partner does. Try to keep things as simple and genuine as possible.

• 9.) Erase all negative emotions: A relationship which is founded on jealousy, anger, or hatred can never grow to be a positive relationship for anyone involved. The foundations of all of your relationships should be love, compassion, and kindness. Any other emotion which seeps in most likely doesn’t belong there. Anger only stirs up arguing, and there usually exists a personal, deep-seated reason for your anger. When jealousy is always in your heart, it’s time to reconsider your own insecurities and understand where they’re originating from. When hatred is present, maybe it’s best for you to let go of your relationship temporarily and work on releasing your hatred for your own good. A relationship should be built on only the most beautiful of values because otherwise, it’s not a relationship that will last.

• 10.) See the simple things: Do we ever notice the little stuff anymore? Probably not, especially after we’ve been with someone for a long period of time. But there are certain character traits which drew you to your partner in the first place: the way they laugh, their intelligence, the way they open the door for you, their outlook on life, their business sense, or whatever else initially attracted you to them. Chances are, all of those characteristics are still well alive in your partner. It’s simply a matter of learning to pay attention to the details again.

• 11.) Remind yourself why they’re worth fighting for: If you’re in a doubtful relationship, make a list. On the left-hand side, write down all the reasons you love to have this person in your life. On the right-hand side, let out all the reasons why you think you can’t stand them anymore. When you’ve thought everything through, which side is more powerful? If the left side won, tear the list in half, splitting the two columns from each other. Throw away the right-hand side and carry the left-hand side with you. Every time you feel upset with the person, pull out the list and add one more reason why it’s worth fighting for this relationship to continue.

• 12.) Show them support: A relationship can’t be one-sided. Your friend, partner, or family member can’t do everything for you and you nothing for them. That’s not fair and the relationship will grow toxic over time. Similarly, you can’t be expected to do everything for someone else while they sit back and watch. There has to be a balance of give and take. But to know in your heart that you’ve always done the right thing for the other person, offer to show them unconditional support. Listen to them when they’re in need, offer them guidance, and if it’s not too much of a burden, do the favors they ask you of you.

You can read more of Carmen’s awesome predictions and learn all about her incredible gifts (and she’s a singer, too! so cool!) right HERE.  xoxo Dana