Value is arbitrary. Well, not quite arbitrary… its assigned. We give things value. And… we give ourselves value.
When I see someone struggling with money, love or health habits I always ask, carefully or in some way… ” How much do you value yourself?”
If you can raise your own value in tangible ways, the problems seem to melt away.
How much do you value yourself?
I didn’t grow up around people who valued themselves. Perhaps you didn’t either.
It seems to be more common than uncommon to be the product of families that were a hotbed of dysfunction to a lack of lots of things, but mainly a lack of integrity and self-value all-round. After all… people who value themselves highly don’t stick around in toxic relationships.
High self-worth makes it almost unthinkable to allow someone to lie, cheat, demean or otherwise harm and stay close by. People who feel great value for their lives seem to love themselves first and then others greatly.
I watched my mother value herself so low that she threw away her own fledgling, succeeding business to a man who came and went in the name of his own low-self-worth. She fancied that her “deep” love for this man was something of great value, and more value than her own life.
I saw my father value himself so poorly that he could unethically keep a harem of women that supported him with hundred, then thousands, then reported millions of dollars. He viewed the power of his seduction as something that gave him value, as most con artists do.
It took me very little time to realize for myself that value was not something on the outside, something to manipulate or work for in a self-effacing way.
Wouldn’t it have been easier for my father to actually work and my mother to find a man who loved her in a real way that didn’t require her world flip upside down?
Totally. Much easier. But that was not in the cards.
Low self-value has, from my vantage point, moved people to do things that are seemingly noble or “powerful” that harm. And harm. And harm. It’s almost like watching drug addicts looking for more drugs. Actually, it’s exactly like drug addicts looking for drugs, as almost all addiction has a component of low (or no) self value in the mix.
Are you doing yourself harm trying to get validation and worth from other people… all because you don’t value yourself quite enough at the moment?
Every time I think of value, I think of the old friend who would scour her boyfriends emails looking for ammunition to kick off a flight because she wasn’t sure she was valuable enough to have a real relationship.
Why is anyone’s absence enough to topple your life? Why is someone’s attention so valuable that it can hijack your life?
If you have a life of high value, no one person who is toxic can pull you out of life and onto a roller-coaster of games.
Then there’s the many people I’ve seen sell out their huge talents for a few dollars rather that invest in themselves, give more and set a higher, more realistic price for everyone involved in business.
My most memorable client early on is a woman I deeply admire. She’s deeply admired universally, actually.
And when I went to see her and I worked with her, she asked me my price at the end. She reminded me, ” If you don’t set your price you’ll never get what you are worth. You pick what you are worth.”
Talk about a turning point. I still remember where I was standing when she told me that.
High value is a practice until it’s a habit, at least for me.
Often it’s a practice of saying “no.” It’s saying “no” to over-giving. It’s turning down the “hanging out” if you are looking for a real relationship. It’s turning off the phone to complainers and drainers, turning down clients you don’t feel would be good to work with… It’s letting go of vampire energy.
But also, it’s a habit of saying yes. Yes to the mornings to dedicate to yourself and your betterment. Yes to adventures, investment, making time for the people you love…
Yes to greatness.
No to things that aren’t what you want.
I didn’t figure out value overnight. I figured it out for myself through messing up, over-giving, saying yes when I meant “no” and putting other people and their ideas and wants far before my basic wellbeing. None of it is noble, trust me. I wouldn’t say that any of my self-sacrifice brought me extra love, money or health. It didn’t bring me great friends, a stronger family or anything else… but lots of disillusionment.
You might lose people when you raise your own value. Every time I do a trip to Japan to my Buddhist temple or do powerful energy work or simply do much more of what I love, a few people historically fall away from my life. Some come back & some don’t. I used to use this as an excuse to do less rather than more, because I didn’t want to lose anyone. Now I see that this holding back and staying small was more self-sacrificing low-value stuff on my behalf that I used to keep people around who liked to take ad didn’t like to give.
Cultivate habits of high value and you’ll find more people who value themselves super-highly.
Be as valuable as you are. Even if it’s scary at first.
There’s no instruction manual for this.
There’s nothing but what you know to be right and what you know feels depleting, less-than, and wrong.
Pick what makes you feel unstoppable.
And keep up the valuable practice. Soon it’ll be a habit. And your space and life will reflect it brilliantly.
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