When other people become the cause of what’s wrong in your life, you’re on a very slippery slope.

You’re in a cycle of blame.

Truth is, you are pretty much in control of what you’ll tolerate, what you’re holding onto and what’s harming you.  This can be extremely hard to hear, nevermind accept as something that’s true for you.

You can accept situations as they are, you can reject them or…you can tolerate them and simply crumble inside while your dignity shrinks and your life force collapses while you put up with things that are harmful.

This is a choice.

You have no one to blame if you make this choice, as direct and harsh as that may sound.

In fact, even if you’re blaming anything or anyone else for the reasons you’re suffering right now, you’re choosing to keep it all.

While there might be trauma, other people’s actions and circumstances out of your control that are the deep cause of your pain,  you have the chance to change it all right now without blaming anything or anyone.

In fact, whoever you blame- while they may be best kept far away from your life- may be giving you the gift of a chance to transform the deepest darness inside of you to light… !

Presently, I sit and chant at my Buddhist temple for hours a day beside a woman who left her husband of 25 years after she found him with a new girlfriend.  She had no money, she was leaving her own house that she built with her own hands, she had no job… and she simply would not tolerate the cheating.  She told me if she decided to blame him and stay, she’d destroy herself.  Many people would bend and break and accept much worse with much more to rely on.  So, she chants and focuses on building a new life.  She says she can’t blame him because she saw it happen twice before and she accepted it.  She became suicidal.  She lost herself.  She finally had to leave.

This is very important: if you are in an abusive situation-  or you have been-  and you feel blame for your attacker, please use all that righteous anger and let it move you to find help to move the trauma out of your life.  

Nathaniel Fast of USC and Larissa Tiedens of Stanford University conducted a study showing how blaming others can become contagious. Subjects were divided into to two groups. One set of subjects read an article where a political leader blamed his mistakes on special interest groups. The other group read an article where the political leader took responsibility for the problem. The group that read the article full of blame, were more likely to blame others for their problems. They also found, within this group, when given the opportunity to reinforce their self-worth, subjects were less likely to blame others.

When you feel good about yourself, you’ll blame much less.

Dr. Tom Jordan, a clinical psychologist and owner of the Love-Life Learning Center, explains why blaming others can hurt your relationships in THIS brilliant article.

1. Emotional Abuse: Jordan asserts that constant blame for something you did not do is abusive.
2. Delusional Beliefs: The person being blamed consistently starts to really believe they are always at fault.
3. Poor Self-Esteem: Daily ingestion of blame results in poor self-esteem and a feeling of not being worthy.
4. Lack of Intimacy: The person being blamed may retract during intimacy, not wanting to be close to their accuser. Conversely, the blamer may try to remain at a distance to preserve their self-worth.

Here’s the brilliance though, of blame.  YOU DO NOT NEED TO TOLERATE IT!!!  And if you choose to tolerate it, it’s your own creation and you have no one to blame!

If someone makes you feel like you don’t matter, if you’re in a situation where you can’t speak up for yourself without penalty, if you’re being disrespected, lied to…  if you’re tired of swallowing poison… stop blaming anyone else and simply remove yourself from the situation. 

Blaming anyone else won’t work. Accepting blame won’t work.

My friend is thriving after leaving a foreign country and a home she built with her own two hands to get away from a duplicitous husband who never wanted to change.

I wish I had left horrible situations much sooner.  I wish I had blamed fewer people for my own problems.

Do you?

You can start right now.

No one is in charge of your life but you.

Simplify.  Take charge of everything you’re apt to blame on others.  Find a way to be responsible, even if that means walking away where you just can’t thrive.  Change what you need to change.  See your way to a brighter future.  

There’s so much freedom on the other side of your blame.

You can not control what anyone else does… but you can control what you think, what you say and what you do every day.  You can be the change you want to see in your life.

And seek all the help you need. Seek trauma therapy.  Try EFT (tapping.) Do some journalling.  Make decisions every day to be and to do better. Find support groups.   

Choose to live as the creator of great things… and that’s a powerful choice. Choose to be grounded in self-love and you’ll watch a lot of self-destruction fall away.  Choose to keep your house clean and your life clear.  Choose to be the cause, not the effect.  Choose to write a new story… and in that story, there’s a happy ending because you’ll always be actively writing the next pages…

All choice.

All no blame.

As the superstar poet Lisa Markuson wrote to me this morning… I share this haiku with you…

xoxo Dana 

A big P.S. today: The Love Camp is coming (!!!) to transform life with so much more love! Attracting more love and living with more love in every day!

It’s over two years in the making, so I’m beyond-thrilled to share this with you!!!  The FREE 3-Video series kicks things off right HERE!!!  This hour of feng shui videos for love starts soon and it’s only up for 21 days a year…so if you’re ready for a lighter, brighter, more love-filled life, you won’t want to miss it!  

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Welcome to Creating Genius!

I spent the last year creating this e-guide to balancing and unblocking life by pulling together the best of a decade of space-changing and life-shifting feng shui! It’s 50 days and 50 ways to use feng shui to shift your space and your routines to move from “stuck” to creatively inspired and alive.

Start Creating Genius right HERE!

Gather up your magic & make gorgeous dreams come true!

xoxo Dana