There are a spectrum of emotions in the world and all of them are vital and fill a purpose.
Just like this rainbow of gorgeous stones, the idea in Eastern philosophy is to stay in balance but always aim to reside in the spectrums that are more light. It’s not all bouncing-off-the-walls happiness. Even too-crazy-extreme joy can burn out your body without some spaciousness of rest, introspection and other creative challenges and a pallette of emotions.
Darkness isn’t something I talk about that much, but it’s also a big part of this spectrum.
The reason I don’t talk about darkness much is that as we talk about things in idle ways we start creating them larger. I never want to create extra darkness, so I stay more quiet about it and work to transform it in my own life more privately.
Darkness- like inflammation in the body itself- is a signpost of things going awry, a warning sign to make the kind of changes that are enormously positive. The sleeplessness, worry, exhaustion, thought loops of negativity, spiralling days and overwhelm, sadness, heartbreak, betrayal and just about any other deep feeling of dark isn’t bad in itself if you see it as a signal, a map and an opportunity for positive change.
Of course, if you’ve fallen into the dark, it can be hard to even imagine the good… but I powerfully believe that if you’ve been in these dark challenges and you keep enough faith to keep moving through, you can find your way out of the dark into even bigger light.
The Medical Medium ( I’m so fascinated by this guy) suggest that if you eat red apples every day they will open up an energetic part of you that brings more magic to your life. Also, by eating three a day, he says health can transform radically.
Of course, I embarked on a three red apple a day experiment immediately when I heard this because I can never have enough light, positivity and great things happening.
I wanted to kick this off on a high note of Apple Experiments (please join me and eat those organic red apples!) because now, truly, I live in more light than I ever have before. In fact, it’s pretty bananas how awesome and exciting and light things are most of the time, and it was a journey hard-won to beat the darkness to get to this place. I’m grateful every day and I’m always looking to transform much much more.
What’s changed in these past years is the enormous load of the painful past I’ve been dragging around in life clutter has diminished greatly ; it’s freed me in profound ways.
It’s my mission to help other people to get on board with life-clearing, raising energy and creating new realities, and since Catalyst Camp season is upon us, and decluttering is in the air, I wanted to talk a bit about the clutter we don’t see but, rather, we live every day until we can transform this stuff of the darkness in each of our life stories.
In my land of rainbows and unicorns, as many think I’ve lived because I’ve always been naturally smiley and pretty resilient, I’ve lived my share of deep darkness. An upbringing fit for a Martin Scorcese mafia movie (including cocaine in my sugar bowls, shooting guns at targets with gangsters for the first time at age 5 and having my father’s friends get me drunk for fun when I was 6, then visiting him in jain when I was 7) is not really considered “rainbow and unicorn” fare. I nearly died from anorexia that spiralled out of control at 14 and cost me a massive modeling contract that I believed would free me from being dependent on my family. By 22, I was assaulted three times, and spoke up about it zero times.
And, never ever once would I say I was a victim.
I refused to let darkness win, even when I thought it had me pretty close to my breaking point.
But, in my refusal to let the darkness win, not wanting to talk about it or ever think about it… I also never fully handled it.
It all seemed like I had survived this stuff unscathed until… I found the signs of this burried shame, confusion, trauma and anger surfacing in my life in ways that made me feel like the darkness was starting to win.
I remember often the saying that what you resist will persist.
I would bail on relationships before they became too serious. I didn’t like that much attention. I hid in sweatpants and big glasses and giant sweaters. I stopped myself from reaching too far. At one point I tormented myself with punishing amounts of unnatural self-help and got super sick.
But, I’d fight back against the darkness and create more light. It was a full-time job bringing the light into my life with Buddhist practice for hours, loads of homeopathy, lots of daring and lots of creativity… and I seemed to be outsmarting the darkness very well.
It’s somewhat like storing loads of stuff in a closet that you keep organized, yet it’s so full and so heavy that you can’t really even access what’s in there. It’s an organized mess. But it’s better than just a mess, right?!
It wasn’t until I found an abusive boyfriend who said he loved me more than ever before that the gig was up for me. He was a drug addict, alcoholic and rade filled man who suffered from PTSD that was untreated. He arrived as a beacon of true love and within less than a year I wound up running for my life in tremendous fear. I started to fear his rages that would fly out of nowhere. There was all this “love” and then a wave of decimating rants, heartbreaking terror and threats and… soon… every single horrible thing I stuffed in my very organized closet of life that I thought was well handled started to rain down on me.
This deepest darkness brought every fear to light. Days with absolutely no sleep. Hives. Breathlessness. Hysteria.
For some, it’s a bought of depression or grief that does it.
For others, it’s a failure that sets it off, or an addiction…
What’s the same is that it’s all dark, it pushes things ove the edge… and it’s so bad that it forces you to sink or swim.
I’ll admit that even after a long time of forgiveness in that situation of terror I still wake up with flashbacks of being emotionally tortured and drained… but… now… I let myself feel the feelings so they don’t build up in a closet in my mind ever again. Then, I remember all the awesome things in my life now and focus in on the light.
To unwind any clutter, using the dark as a way to the light, be willing to clear what’s in your way.
Unwinding this kind of darkness may require support groups, therapists, doctors, healers, coaches, trainers, spritual guidance… or, in my case, all of the above.
I’m not any of the above, but I deeply recommend all the help that resonates as true for you. You deserve it all, it’s deeply worth the investment of time and energy and there are hundreds of sensory ways to support yourself through these journies that you can find in plenty in the Sensory Goodness tab of the blog.
Assemble your team of resources today to tackle an issue that’s been in your life’s closet of clutter too big to focus upon and you’ll be on your way to a new level of amazing. There are online 12 step meetings, local support groups, donation-based therapists as well as many other resources, so money doesn’t need to be the obstacle to help. You can find anything you need to help you within your schedule. Really, the biggest challenge is to start on this journey and then deciding every day to see it through.
It doesn’t have to happen overnight. In fact, it won’t. But each and every step in the direction of more release and more letting go and more surrender is a revolution.
Some of my Catalyst Campers take a full year to finish a massive garage clearing full of 20 −30 years of stuff. Many say it can be done so much faster, but when that stuff is all deeply emotional and entangled with your darkness and your light, rushing things isn’t really helpful. Those who take the time- be it a week or a year- and clear things completely and deeply can’t believe the energy, resources, happiness, freedom and power that unfolds as things get truly released both from space…and, also, deeply from life.
I want you to be swimming in rainbows and unicorns most of the time… and to be able to experience anything and everything without fear or a giant life wobble. And all of that, in my experience and my experience with thousands of you, really comes down to the willingness to clear what you don’t need to keep neatly organized in those closets of your mind (or house) any more, experiencing the emotions and then setting them free.
Step-by-step, I’m 100% certain you can do this.
Dump the junk drawers.
Pour through the painful memories.
Let it all go.
And feel better than you’ve ever felt in your life.
P.S.: The Catalyst Camp is coming for the New Year to open up your life to the new like never before! It’s 8 weeks of de-cluttering, letting things go any lightening up life in radical ways. You can sign up HERE to start the free 3-video series & revolutionize your clutter clearing.
And, if you want to dive in to your own personalized feng shui in a modern, practical way, Say hello to Feng Shui 101. Its the guide I made for you to create your own personalized feng shui at home, in the office, wherever you may be… in 8 weeks. It’s not filled with strict rules or what you “must” do. Its filled with information, questions, exercises and even videos and classes to help you confidently create amazing spaces with killer feng shui and live with more flow. Learn more about the 8-week feng shui adventure & grab your copy to get started right HERE… And, as always, please let me know what happens!